Wednesday, June 29, 2011


Everyday he gets up and dresses. His breakfast always the same. Rain or shine he leaves his parents house all the same.

He makes the walk everyday at the same time. His schedule never varies. He stops at the edge of the road looking both ways before crossing heeding his mothers words always.
Everyday he finds his way to the picnic table outside the little store. He sits down and his routine continues. Always a smile upon his face. He greets each person with a wave and that infectious smile. His legs too short to reach the pavement they swing happily back and forth like a little child he watches the coming and going of the world.

A glint of excitement in his eyes. For he is not a part of the world around him. He is on the outside looking in. Too him the simplest things will forever be a mystery. He doesn't question it, it is just the way it is.
He doesn't know he is different. If you were to ask him about this he could not tell you. He could not tell you because he is locked inside of a prison. A prison that he was born into and one he will eventually die in. Although he could not tell you this. It's a prison he cannot see nor touch.

He will never experience those things in life that you and I take for granted. He will never feel the touch of his newborn child. He will never know the feeling of driving a car. For him these things are outside his realm.

Like anyone locked up in prison, its this prison that stands in his way. The difference between his prison and that of a normal prison is his is always with him whether he is sitting at his picnic table or being tucked in at night by his mother.
For you see his prison is not one of concrete and steel. It is one of flesh and blood.

He was born with down syndrome.
Looking through the windows of his cell he sees the world around him coming and going. He doesn't see anger, or jealousy, or greed. He doesn't see the way some people treat him badly or stare at him oddly when he smiles and waves. In some respects his prison is also his gift. He forever see's the world through the eye's of a child. He see's the things in the world that we have all forgotten about.

Saturday, May 21, 2011

It was one year ago today when my life changed completely and forever. Today is a day of mixed emotions for me. I am so excited but yet a little sad. It was one year ago that the Lord blessed my life with the birth of my son. I was scared beyond belief. Would I be a good father? Could I be the one he looked up to? Could I put him above all else? I didn't know. By the end of the day my old life would be washed away. A clean slate waited. The hours dragged by. Finally it was time.

I was right there when he came into the world. The moment I saw him I fell so deeply in love with him. Standing over my son this miracle of God. When he reached out and wrapped his tiny hand around my finger, I knew all my life lead to this one singular moment. The flesh of my flesh before me. My emotions were so strong I had to leave and go find a quiet place. Once I found that place I cried. I cried as if a well had burst open somewhere deep within me. My tears were off joy that my little boy was healthy, they were of sadness that my mom was not there too see her grandson.

My tears were of fright for how my life had changed and what was required of me now.I reached out and put my hand on his chest. His tiny heart beating fast beneath it. I watched with amazement over the next months as my son developed.My love grew stronger everyday for him. My old life no longer mattered. I would give my life for my little boy without a seconds thought. He will have a father who is always there for him. A father that will always protect him and father with whom he will never have to question how much he cares for him.I am sad that my son will grow up in two separate houses having to spend his time between both. I had prayed and hoped that this would not be the case but it is. I cannot do anything to change it.

I can only make the best of it.Over the last year, my son has taught me a wealth of knowledge. He has taught me patience. He has taught me how to enjoy the simple things in life. He has taught me the meaning of absolute love. Most importantly he has taught me too see the wonderment of the world through a child's eyes again.Xander has made me into the man I had always imagined I could be. He has shown me new roads in this thing we call life. Thank you X. I love you more then my words could ever express. I will always be by your side to pick you up when you fall. To protect you and too love you as a father should.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Remember When

Do you remember love
Do you remember when our love was new
Do you remember when our love was true
Do you remember our first kiss
Do you remember the kiss in the pouring rain
Do you remember the first time I said I love you
Do you remember when we talked about forever
Do you remember when we were a family
Do you remember when I was by your side
Do you remember when we were one
Do you remember the first time we made love
Do you remember the look in my eyes when I looked into yours
Do you remember a time before you hated me
Do you remember a time before you broke my heart
Do you remember a time before it all fell apart
Even though you have forgotten, I remember when.

Monday, April 25, 2011


The table ice cold beneath me. The lights blinding in there brightness. My naked form covered only by the thinnest of sheets. A soundless sterile enviorment...

This must be a dream of sorts...I try to lift my head to take in my sourandings. My head will not move. I try to lift my arms from under the sheet. They refuse the orders from my brain. Each body part I try to move I am met with the same results.

Why can I not move?? I cannot even move my eyes side to side. Panic quickly over takes me like the rise of flood waters.

Maybe if I scream someone will help. I scream with everything I have. I am greeted only by silence deafing in its wake.

What the hell is happening my mind screams?? Surely this is some sort of bad dream..maybe if I think of something happy I will wake up! My mind digs back into its memories...and finds nothing but blackness, a blackness that continues on to infinity...

Grasping now for any point of sanity, an island in the chaos of the storm. Who am i? Even that I cannot answer. My body a cold rigid prison of confinement, my mind an empty glass.

Minutes, hours, days seem to pass by while I lay motionless upon the table. Have I no respite from this nightmare of nothingness??

Footsteps, the patter of sound on the floor, they draw nearer to me. I hear a door open and the footsteps are by my side. A face comes into view above my own.

This person examines me, they open my mouth peer inside, closing it they examine the rest of my body.
"He will do just fine" I hear. The sheet that has covered my body is pulled over my head as I hear the table I am on being wheeled along.

The click of the door has it is pushed open. I hear the sounds of footsteps and the rattles of the gurney. I can see through the thin sheet as strobes of light pass above.

The click of the door again, as we pass through. The gurney stops, still the blinding light of this new room.
I hear more voices now. More faces come into view.
I hear the words but cannot make a sound.

I try to observe the room from my limited view. Its just a barren white sterile room just like the last one. I try again to get some gauge of time. How long was I in the last room? How long have I been in this one?? I can hear noises above the clatter of voices. Sounds like something being moved on a metal table.

A face comes into view again, except this face is cover by a clear shield. His hand comes into view sleeved in a plastic glove holding a knife or scapel.

It becomes crystal clear what he plans on doing to me. I hear a soft sound like a scissor cutting through paper then I feel an incredible pain from my chest down to my groin.

I scream out in an agony only I can hear. The sounds bouncing off the inside of my skull. I hear the sounds of my flesh being ripped into. I feel cold hands reaching into me and pulling my insides out peace by peace.

A wet plopping sound as my stomach is removed. This goes on for some time. Each of my organs removed from my body. Curiously after the first cut I felt no more pain.

The face comes back into view as he leans close to my face with a pen in hand, what does this maniac plan for now??!! I can feel the pen press into my forehead as he marks his next point of attack...

The sound of the saw brings my attention back..Oh God no,no,no! I scream again as loudly as I can as the saw descends. Making contact with my forehead I feel the pain as the saw tears through my skin and muscle. I feel the jar as it hits my skull.

Again frantically I try to find some memory anything for me to escape too. I hear and feel a sickening pop as the top of my skull is removed.

The last thing I hear him say is "what a beautiful brain"

Tuesday, April 12, 2011


A nightly battle ensues.

I find myself trapped once again by you. You swaddle me in filament of lies and deceit, blinded by my own heart. The weapon you use to torture me. When will it end I've asked so many times.

Why can't I let you go? You come to me in the darkness of night. A silent thief invading my reality whispering sweet endings of a time long past. Entangling my heart in your strings. I cut myself free only to once again become entangled in your web once I shut my eyes.

I've paid for my sins ten fold but yet you still come to me in the darkest hour before the dawn. Your words a silken lie, your touch a velvet robe to be softly embraced.Each night I embrace you. Each setting familiar to me as if I lived out a lifetime with you here.

My happiest dreams torn asunder to dissolve into an endless nightmare. For at the end of each night you devour my heart and soul. To send me back to the waking world a shell of myself only to hunt me again in my dreams.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Sands through the hourglass

On friday the magical clock of life ticks over from 34 to 35.
Its been an interesting 34 years of life. More downs then ups.
Year 34 was a catch 22 for me. It brought the greatest gift of my life to me. My beautiful little boy Xander. However, it brought a lot of sad and difficult times with it.

However, as I move on into this new year of life I take some pratical life lessons with me.

- The greatest gift in the world is watching your little boy come into the world and hearing his first cry, and feeling his first touch. Nothing can nor will compare to that.

- Learning that "Love at first sight" is very real and tangible. Its not just some feel good catch phrase made up by Disney

- knowing with every fiber in your being that you would walk through hell for him, and gladly trade your life for his without a second thought or regret.

- Nice guys do finish last. End of story

- Your health can be taken from you in an instant.

- I still do not know what I want to be when I grow up

- Closing a door is much more difficult then walking through an opened door

- Learning to live with who you are is never as easy as becoming who you want to be.

- You are the sum total of your life. The good and the bad.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Chapter 2

The path continues through the orchard. As I walk on I can still hear the melody in the air. It seems to come from everywhere and no where all at the same time. Coming to the end of the orchard I can see something twinkling in the distant like a diamond.  Nothing really makes sense in this world. I stop and look at it, this thing in the distant. Its like looking at an oasis in the desert shimmering promising respite for a weary traveler so I continue on.

Coming over the last couple of hills I can finally see what it was that was shinning so bright. It's a city, a massive city bigger then anything I've ever seen. The architecture was amazing. Every building was mostly open to the elements. It had a classic roman styling to it, but it hinted at something else. Something I could not put my finger on. The one feature that stood out from everything else was three towers that climbed above all the other buildings. The tower in the center was the tallest of the three. It stood half again as tall as the other two. The next largest tower stood to the immediate right of the main tower and then the other tower smallest of the three to the left of the main tower.

These towers are what I had seen back in the orchard glittering on the horizon. Each tower shone so brightly I had to shield my eyes from the glare. It reminded me of the sunlight shining on the newly fallen snow in my other life. From the top of each tower a light emitted shooting straight up to the heavens. Even though the sun still shone brightly, I could clearly see the light coming from them. When I looked at these three giants standing before I am  overcome with such a feeling of love and piece. I had to get to this city, to these towers.

The melody, I could clearly hear it again. The closer I got to the towers the louder and clearer this melody became.  When I had stepped from the great hall it was but a faint whisper on the wind, now I could hear voices singing in a language I could not make out.  I knew that I had heard this same melody somewhere before....

As I rounded the last hill and started my descent towards the city the more vibrant the colors became, colors I that I had never dreamed of, let alone seen before. There were reds,blues,purples,gold, silvers and so many more colors.  It was like walking through an oil painting. I feared that if I brushed one of the flowers that its color would come off on my robe.

Coming to the bottom of this hill the cart path broadened into a wide road. As I walked on this road I looked down and I could see my reflection on its surface.  I felt like I had been walking forever. It seemed like ages ago when I awoke in the massive hall and stepped out into the orchard. Looking up at the cloudless sky I could see the sun shinning brightly. It had not moved an inch since I came to this place.  What time was it I wondered? I had no idea, apparently time worked different in this place.

I was starting to feel a little bit different ..every step I took I felt some different part of my body. Some muscle I didn't know even existed flexing. I've got too stop for a second. Running my hands through my hair I notice the scar that was on the back of my hand from when I was in high school is gone. I pull up my robe to look at my legs. Before rotating back to duty I had, had surgery to repair the veins in my legs, there had been scars that ran the length of my legs, these too were gone. Gone as if they had never existed.

All my old aches and pains from a life time of sports and abuse to my body where gone. I felt like I was twenty years old again! Man, I wish I had a mirror. I bet if I looked at myself I would look as I did when I was in high school.  As shocking as this even my memories had changed. Now when I thought of my friends and loved ones they were replaced with younger versions of themselves. All the memories I had were all happy memories, no longer where there sad memories to cloud my mind over. Any of my memories that had been sad where changed so I could see the consequences of my choices that led to the sadness of the memories.

All the time I've been here I've not seen anyone else. No other people or animals. Just me walking this path. It's been a beautiful barren landscape.  The road is lined on both sides by fields full of something that looks like wheat, although I guess it could be anything.  I can hear something coming through the field. Out from the field bursts a large dog. It looks like a German shepherd. The dog see's me and stops. We are starring at each other like its some sort of standoff.

The dog looks so familiar, I've seen it before...Looking at me still the dog barks excitedly its tail wagging a million miles an hour. Before I can even do anything the dog is running towards me. Is it going to bite me?!  The dog jumps up into the air hitting me with its full weight and knocking me to the ground. I make to shield my face certain its gonna bite me, but no it starts licking my face all over. OH MY I remember this dog.  Misty!!! You died when I was still in high school, we had to put you down, your hips where going out and you were always in pain.  Here you are though the young dog I remember. We used to have so much fun playing in the yard and walking through the cherry orchards.  I pull her close to me and bury my face in her fur inhaling deeply. I smell the sweet smell of honeysuckle and jasmine. Just what I remember her smelling like when she would return from a romp in the woods by our house.

God, how I missed her. I feel the tears running down my cheeks again as I hug her to me.  She whimpers softly and gently takes my hand in her mouth pulling me back to my feet.  “OK, girl I'm getting up.”  As I regain my feet, Misty is quivering in excitement. She barks again louder this time.  Urging me to follow her.