The Watcher Chapter 1

 Chapter 1 "My Death and Rebirth"

Driving down the crowded street, the stench of this city in my nose. Looking through the dust caked windows I see a people humbled by war.  Their city ravaged and destroyed. Its so hot out, I feel sweat running down my neck.  Makes my skin chaff under my armor.  Another day in this city so far from home. So far from my family and loved one's.

These days running into each other the same routine.  Wake up,  clean my weapon,  mess and then off on patrol.  The sound of my squad mates a muted buzzing in my ears,  my mind a thousand miles away. Never knowing when which day will be my last.  Today, tomorrow a month from now?  I don't know.  Coming upon an intersection the traffic is suddenly sparse.

I didn't feel it when it happened all I heard was a blast then a soothing blackness enveloped me.  It was like swimming in Flathead at night in the mist of summer.  Comforting in its embrace.

What happened?  Where am I?  Opening my eyes I find myself in a large hallway,  massive in size.  Looking down I see that I no longer have my armor on.  Its been replaced with a robe that feels softer then silk.  The walls of this hallway are covered in pictures,  thousands of pictures.  Walking up to one of the pictures I see myself,  my baby picture.  I'm only a few months old.  Going from picture to picture I see my life unfolding before me.  A snap shot of my life the good and the bad moments its all there.

In every picture lives a memory of me.  If I close my eyes I can feel it,  smell it and taste it.  Each memory a lifetime.  I feel tears running down my cheeks for I know I am longer in the streets of Iraq. I've died.  In an instant it comes back to me. I was killed in a roadside bomb, the blast I felt, that was it. That was my death.

These tears that stream down my cheeks are not tears of regret or tears of sorrow over my death.  They are the tears of longing for my family and loved ones for surely I shall not look upon their faces again nor feel their sweet embraces for a long time to come.

Walking the length of the hall I come to a huge wooden door. Grasping the handle I pull the door open wide.  Ahead of me lies a huge orchard re-resplendent  in the afternoon sun.  Strong and massive tree's loaded with every fruit I could imagine. The breeze upon my face as I step into the orchard.  Listening closely I hear a faint melody,  beautiful in its rhythm, unknown in its lyrics.  I move forward towards the rutted path running through the middle of the orchard my hands running through the green grass with sun warming my body.

Stopping,  I turn my head and take one last look at the great hall with its pictures of my former life. Looking at it,  it slowly dissolves, its colors running together like a child's water painting until it is gone.

I only have the path ahead of me,  behind me is no more.  I continue on my journey sampling the fruit as I go. Such a taste,  each berry,  every apple explodes in my mouth.  With each bite I can feel the fruits of life as it rushes into me nourishing my newly born body.

Deconstruction

Blood on the door

It started out as any normal day. The buzzing of the alarm and me hitting the snooze button a couple hundred times like usual.Finally I drug myself out of bed and took a shower letting the hot water cascade over my head and shoulders, the heat of the water driving away the cobwebs spun from the long night of sleep.Not being a morning person I never eat breakfast and rarely am I ever hungry in the morning, however something was different this morning. I could feel my stomach turning in on itself threatening to eat its way out!I really was not sure what I wanted to eat, the norm, a sausage biscuit just was not gonna cut it this morning. Luckily right on my way to work there is a great little joint that does an amazing fry bread.Fry bread smothered in honey was exactly what I wanted this morning.

Pulling into the parking lot there are several cars already there, which is not surprising considering that the food is actually quite good.Whenever I come to this place its always like taking a trip down memory lane for me. I can remember coming here when I was in my teens with my mom. It was our place. Something special. Its like I jumped into a time machine and took a step backwards 20 years.I sit in my truck for a few minutes just breathing it in. I can hear her voice, smell the perfume she would wear. I'm pretty sure she had stock of this stuff from every birthday. It was what I got her for each one. She always acted surprised even though she knew what she was getting. God how I miss her.With a sigh I open the door and step out into the crisp march weather. Opening the door to the restaurant I'm overcome with the smells. Pancakes, bacon, sausage, coffee. Its all there.Walking in I step up to the counter and place my order. Knowing its gonna take some time, I mean Rome wasn't built overnight right?? Neither is a good piece of fry bread let me tell!I've been there for maybe ten minutes when he walks in. There was nothing unusual about him at first glance. It was only when he got near that I feel it.Now when I say I could feel it. I mean it was something that tangible.Looking at this guy I feel the negative vibrations exploding from him like explosions.

But it wasn't just that..looking at him was like looking at someones reflection in a mud-puddle. Dark, cloudy,ominous. When he sat down next to me I could feel the air pressure increase. You know on a hot and humid summer day all the sudden a thunderstorm will appear. The air pressure drops and you can literally feel the storm fighting the warm summer day?This is the feeling I got from this guy. Like I was caught in the mists of a gigantic storm threatening to explode. I hoped my fry bread wouldn't be much longer. I wanted away from this guy. Something was gonna happen, something bad.That is when it happened. The storm exploded in a violent rage. In seconds it seemed or minutes its hard to tell anymore. Time is different now then what it used to be.I watched out of the corner of my eye as this guy shifted from looking like a dark, and cloudy mud-puddle to a bright corona of a million different colors.

 In a heartbeat he leapt from his chair moving for the waitress at the register. In that same instant, I knew I had to do something to stop him. It was like time slowed down to a crawl.As the adrenaline shot through my system, I lost any semblance of caution for myself. Having spent several years bouncing and working tour security didn't even have to think about what I was gonna do.I approached this guy from behind as he struggled with the waitress. Grabbing ahold of his waist I picked him off his feet and slammed him to the floor. Struggling to hold him I screamed for someone to call 911!Either no one heard me or they were frozen from fear. As screamed they stood there. Eyes wide and mouths open.If I had a camera and wasn't struggling with this guy I would have taken a picture and sent it into some magazine so people could come up with their own captions To bad though, maybe another day. Even though I had him pinned down he wasn't gonna give up. With a final push of strength he was able to roll over onto his side.

Fearing he was gonna be able to get up here shortly I held on with everything I had."Mother fucker, where are the cops??!" That's all I could think has he struggled. Slipping one arm out he was able to remove something from the pocket of his jacket.I didn't know what it was till I heard the blast and felt a sting in my stomach followed by the most intense pain in my back.I could smell the gunpowder in the air, my ears ringing. I could feel that my stomach was soaked. I moved my hand down to my stomach and looked at it. It was a shiny bright red, the reddest shade of red I've ever seen.All I could think of was "is my blood really that red, shit that can't be good."I half fell half crawled off this guy. I could faintly hear a dripping sound as my blood it the tiled floor.

I tried to stand up, but it was like my legs had go on strike. They were telling me to take this job and shove it.So walking being out of the question I crawled to the door. My vision fading in out, (must be because all my blood is gushing out of the gun shot wounds.) 2 more feet and I'm at the door. Finally my legs decide to start working. I'm able to pull my self up to a standing position. Pulling up my shirt I look at the hole in my stomach. The edges a charged black, like a steak left on the grill for too long.Reaching down I place my hand over the wound to staunch the river of blood. Pushing into the wound I feel something tickling my palm. Pulling my hand away I see something pink and wet looking slowly starting to emerge from the wound. Feeling faint I slide down the door till I hit the floor, back to the door.Its getting tough to breath. My vision is almost tunnel like. I can't just sit here, I've got to do something or I'm dead. My strength almost gone I reach up to grab the door handle.

My hand grazes it. Not strong enough to grab the handle my hand hits the glass door. Leaving a bloody handprint and a smear of blood down the glass I fall down and roll onto my side.The last thought to enter my mind is "will this be the enduring legacy I leave behind? A bloody hand print on a glass door?"

Then the tunnel closes for good.

Welcome

I want to welcome you to my blog. First off I'm a 34 year old single father of a beautiful little boy. I like many people have dreams of being an author. Whether or not I can do that we shall see. This blog encompasses my writings  from when I was in my twenties till now. So take a look through what I have posted thus far. Feel free to leave me comments. I will always reply to comments no matter good or bad. So let me know what you think.

The Long walk

Letting my mind wander thinking about my son. Its so strange to be saying that but feels so right at the same time. I feel like a kid on xmas eve awaiting the dawns light to open my gift from God. This little boy a part of me. When I look into his eyes ill be looking into my own eyes what will I see? A blank canvas waiting the brush stroke to paint his life's picture?

There is so many feelings I wish I could put into words, my mind is overflowing trying to put it all down. My words lack the elegance to convey my feelings. My soul will sing an incredible song when he comes into this world. Never will I have known such a joy or a love. He is not even here yet and I couldn't image my life going forward without him.

Walking the path of life alone so often with only sadness and regret as my companion, I come upon the dawn into a valley of beauty, something I've only imagined or seen in only dreams. For now another joins me in this journey of life. Finally a reason for my existence. A beautiful little boy who will look towards me for protection and love. For as much as he needs me I've waited my life for him. Just as his canvas is blank, mine to shall become a canvas of fresh white. Him and I painting each others masterpiece.

Reunion

The stranger stands silently in the dark corner holding a small hand.

All around them is a room filled with people. Some are quietly weeping, while others stand in silence. In the middle of a room a young man is sitting in a chair next to a hospital bed holding his mothers hand.

The stranger can see the tears rolling down his cheeks as he tenderly strokes her cheek. Slowly the stranger looks around the room at each person. He feels each of their pain as though his flesh is being pierced by a thousand stinging wasps. For each person he looks at he has know them for their entire life. He knows their regrets, their dreams and their sorrow.

The strongest pain he feels comes from the young man in the chair. For he knows this man hardly more then a boy has had to make the most difficult choice one can make. He looks at his soul and see's it crying out in anguish.

For every tear that is shed in this room tonight he has cried a thousand seas, his tears are the tears that water the parched earth, from which spring arises eternal.

The stranger knows that time is running out for her. He was there to welcome her upon her birth, he shall be there to welcome her again with open arms. Just as he has been with her forever, he is with her now.

The sound of the machines increases as her time draws near. Again he feels the pain in his flesh. He let's go of the small hand and silently walks across the room to place his hand on the young mans shoulder.

The stranger kneels to hear his voice.. So quiet but so full of strength. He hears the young man whisper to her...."You can go. I'll be ok. I love you.". Her time here is at hand.

The stranger stands and at that moment all the heavens go silent...

The stranger extends his hand as she rises from her bed and stands, no longer a prisoner in the cell of her body.

The stranger embraces her, so long she has been gone from his loving embrace. She is home. The stranger releases her from his embrace as a tear rolls down his cheek. "I've known you since before your birth. When you could not walk it was I who carried you, for I have always loved you."

The stranger looks at the young man one, seeing thru his eyes the pain that would become his cross, knowing he could not take it away from him "when the cross is to heavy to bare I will carry the both of you thru the desert of remorse and regret for I have loved you before you were born."

Knowing he can do no more the stranger takes her hand and guides her to the small child who stands in the corner quietly.

The stranger kneels down next to the child and smiles at him. The little boy looks from the stranger to her. His smile so intense he walks to her open arms where she picks him up and
embraces him tightly to her chest.

The stranger silently watches this reunion. The power of their love for one another is beyond time and this plane.. The stranger looks again to the young man embracing his mother knowing the course of his life, knowing the challenges he will face.

He motions the little boy to his side and whispers in his ear. The little boy walks over to the young man and puts his small hand in the young mans hand.

" I love you daddy"

Xander

I feel like I've known you forever. You've always been by my side, quietly waiting in the wings for the right moment. Waiting until I met the perfect person to bring you into this world. When I saw the first pictures of you, I was amazed by you.

I stared at you for hours wondering what your life would bring you. What dreams would you dream about? What kind of father would I be for you? Could I be there for you always no matter what?

The first time I felt your kick it brought me too tears. Tears of joy, sadness, all of my triumphs and my disappointments brought into sharp relief by a single kick. I saw my childhood thru eyes removed of a jaded view. My childhood thru my fathers eyes.

I anxiously wait till we meet each other for the first time. The first time I hug you and feel your little heart beating next to mine. Watching you as you grow up by your side. Ill be there for you, the father I never had and have always longed for.. you will have that father.

Horizon

Chasing a sunset across the horizon.
Not sure where my life is heading too.
On the adventure of a lifetime.
Leaving all I knew behind heading into a great unknown taking all I have and giving all I've got.
This is it.
My chance.
One foot in front of the other I'll climb this peak till I reach the top and see the beauty in my life..

Breath of God

With a rush of air, God expelled this perfect little soul. This tiny little light lit around Gods head exclaiming joyously of all the beauty of creation. God smiled for this tiny creation of his was of his own spirit yet of its own. Before God laid all the world, a shining gem in a backdrop of diamonds.

God held out his hand "little one what is your wish?" " Do you want to stay with me for all eternity or do you want to be born of man into a family?" "Go, my child and find your perfect mother and father. Decide whom you wish to bless with your love."

Off the tiny soul sped to the realm of man to find his mother and father. He needn't look very far, for in an instant he had found them. He came into their presence and touched their hearts. Bringing them together so their souls would become of one.

Back in the beauty of heaven the little spirit came to rest in Gods hand. "Have you made your choice little one?"

"Will you bring them the riches of a love untold?"

God knew that the little soul had made the perfect choice for his parents. He would grow up loved and protected. For each of his parents he would be a bridge to an undiscovered country. A healing presence to allow so many old wounds to finally heal.

"Go little one, go be with your parents. Remember I'm always watching over you."

God breathed on the little soul and watched as he united with that which is mother and father had given.

So warm and comfortable floating, the soft beating of her heart. Remembering a far away beauty of gold and pearl, a thousand shining jewels. Remembrance of Gods face. Something he doesn't want to forget but is destined to as his tiny body grows.

A pressure so immense, pushing his little body. Out of the darkness into a blinding light, a cry of pain and joy intertwined as one. Eyes open into this strange world. All around him unfamiliar faces. Panicked he strives for something familiar till he sees them....those he chose. The face of his parents.

Anchor

For tomorrow life starts anew.
A little boy born into this world of ours.
what will his dreams be you ask?
For i do not have the answer to that.
I know that I will always be there for him. T
o pick him up when he falls down and skins his knee.
Teaching him how to ride his bike.
Running by his side when we take off his training wheels.
No matter how scared you are my son I will always be there right be side you, teaching you about this life. Helping you while you help me.
You were destined to come into my life and bring me into the light.
All my life Ive spent on a precipice trying to keep from falling.
Ive found my anchor to this life.

Weight

All my life I've carried an incredible weight.
A weight pressed upon me by things out of my control.
A weight so heavy that I'd given up trying to find a way to get rid of it.
Like Atlas I carried the weight of my life on my shoulders.
I climbed the highest peaks only to watch that weight fall to the bottom again.
I was doomed to repeat that climb over and over again.
My chains were so tight.
Cutting off hope and love.
Then I watched as you came into this world.
So pure and beautiful. With your first cry you took that weight from my back.
I was able to stand straight and true.
When I leaned over and looked at you and you wrapped your tiny hand around my fingers you broke the chains that bound my soul for so long.
I felt your love so strong in your tiny hand.
You washed away all my sadness and grief from my soul.

Dear Lord

You knew me long ago. You made my heart that beats in my chest. You blew breath into my soul and sent me here. You loved me in an instant for all eternity.
I remembered once the sight of your face. As I grew older I forgot what you looked like.. For each mountain you put in front me I struggled to the top. Each time I reached the summit I asked "why, what have I done to deserve this?" You never answered me. All I wanted was to hear your voice, feel your presence. Anything to let me know you cared. When you called my mom home to be with you, I cursed you. I sat next to her grave and screamed at you. I beat the ground and cried. Trying to rip that which you had given me from my body. You were dead to me. I had done the best I could to be a good person and to give others everything I had to give. It didn't matter to you. For every good thing I had in my life you eventually took it away. Why did you do this? Again you chose to remain silent. I decided that you didn't matter to me anymore just as I didn't matter to you. You chose to mark me to those who believed in you. So that they could always talk to me on your behalf, to lead me to the light that I had strayed away from. You knocked on the door trying to find a way back into me. No matter how hard I refused you stayed there always trying. Even though I no longer loved you or cared you still tried.. I wanted to believe in you, to see your face again so long forgotten.

I saw your face again Friday night when you brought my son into my life. Listening to his first cry I heard your voice. After all these years you spoke to me again. When he reached out and grabbed my hand I felt your presence. All those years I cursed you, you forgave me. For all those mountains I climbed you gave me the greatest gift you could. You gave me my son.

The walk

Walking thru a field in the moonlight, the dew wetting my bare feet. My hands brushing the top of the grass. Patches of mist floating in the air. I can see puffs of white as I exhale. Walking a path I cannot see. Following only by a blind instinct.

I feel your presence somewhere in the distance. Having traveled so far and so long. Putting one foot in front of the other. Ghosts of my past walking side by side. Intrepid voyagers following in my footsteps. I see their outlines, moonlight highlighting their features, shining thru my quiet companions.

The lonely howl of an animal somewhere in the distance. I howl back. Animal to animal we speak to one another across the gulf of eternity. For I have been lost for so long. Not sure whom I was. Like my silent followers my features never complete.

Lighting striking the plain all around me the smell of ozone in the air. My excitement builds. A storm in my soul slowly building. A bolt of lighting strikes me driving me to my knees. My vision filled with a blinding white light, my flesh on fire all consuming burning away all I was. All my memories put before me like a collage of who I was. Each one exploding after the other till none remained. Purified in a shower of flames.

I rise again newly born into a world of light. All around me a field no longer desolate, but filled with the beauty of creation. I feel lighter for a part of me is missing, something I've given. A gift to you to your creation. My soul and my body I've given for you. To bring you into this world.

An eloquence of beauty undefined fully illuminated with life. Glowing with a radiance of a thousand suns so bright lighting up every corner of my soul I stand before you. Blinded by your light.

Your life so fresh and pure, an innocence unencumbered and undefined. For it wasn't I whom found you but you who found me.

Dear mom

Since the day I said goodbye to you I've seen you in my dreams. Always outside of everything taking place, observing me. For so long it continued this way. Then the dreams started changing. You became a part of them. In the light of day my heart was heavy and full of sadness, believing it was I who chose to let you die.

In the night so often I came to your grave for comfort. To sit there next to where you laid in the darkness. I could feel your presence, your arms wrapped around me holding me like you did when I was a baby. In my dreams you lived again, healthy and happy.

Our last conversation I told you I loved you and I would be okay without you. I knew you were in pain and wanted to go home.. The tears hid my lie. I wasn't ok without you. My world crumbled and fell apart that winter day when we buried you.

Your presence has always walked with me the times I would smell orchids when none were seen. All these years have passed without you in my life. Seasons of regret and longing as clouds going across the sky. The waves washing away the beach, pieces of my soul going out with the tide.

The night my son was born I could feel you with me by my side as I watched Xander take his first breath. I imagine how big your smile was as you watched me hold him for the first time. Your hands on mine as I held him. I wish you could have been there with me that night too see my excitement, feel my love..

The tears I cried that night were for you. All those years of regret and sadness were washed away the minute I saw my son because in him I saw some of you..

Matthew

We first met when we were in the 6th grade and you broke my collarbone. After that we became best friends. Growing up you were by my side always. When my mom died you were there for me no questions asked. You helped me carry her casket to her final resting place. Not only where you my best friend but also my brother.

Years later I carried you to your final resting place. Just as we did with my mom we buried you on a cold snowy winter day. You made such a huge impact on my life that to this day its still unmeasurable. They say that in your life you will have many friends come and go but few who are true friends. Those who would do anything for you..

You served your country bravely never asking why or what was in it for you. You put your life on the line for our freedom and in the end the cost you paid was your life.

My son now carries your name and when he is older I will tell him about his namesake. He will hear about what a great brother you were to his father and what an incredible person you were. I hope my son grows up to be half the man you were.

Door

I've walked thru the door so many times.
Coming and going as I pleased.
Never giving a thought to the possibility of one day finding that door closed and locked.
The days and months rolled by and I continued to come and go.
Life so vivid and full of possibilities till I found the door closed and locked.
How could this be?
Had I done something wrong?
I didn't have an answer to that question.
Every day I tried the door but still it remained locked to me.
I watched as others passed thru this door unencumbered..
I walked too the door and laid my hands on it.
Solid to the touch.
So many things I had never noticed before.
Full of dents and cracks.
Splinters torn out of it in places.
Amazing that it had withstood some much abuse.
I wanted so badly to go thru the door.
I knocked and banged on that door.
Putting my weight behind me I tried to shove my way in.
Still the door held solid and strong.
I'm left with no choices or options.
Do I continue to knock on the door or do I give up?
So here I sit next to the door hoping that the next time I try it I will find it open again.

The Mirror

Wiping the steam from the mirror I look at my reflection.
After all these years I still see a stranger looking back at me.
Who am I?
What am I?
I've looked for the answers unable to find them I continue on this path.
I knew once who I was with absolute certainty.
I've been to rock bottom and soared with the clouds.
I've sat on the edge of a three thousand foot cliff with my feet dangling in the breeze looking at the valley below me trying to find a definition to my life.
The mirror reflects the ghosts of my past.
All the roads I could have taken but didn't.
I see happiness mixed with sorrow, elation with dread.
All partners in that inexplicable dance of life.
I see that little boy I once was so full of life with nothing but his future ahead of him.
Now when I wipe the steam from the mirror I don't see that little boy anymore, I see my little boy as the infant he is turning into the man he will be.
No longer are there the roads I should have taken now I see that no matter what road I took they all led to him.
No longer do I look for the answer to who I am.
I've been given that answer; I'm a father now.
My choices will define his life.

Chalice

Tears rolling down my cheeks.
A countless stream to water the barren soil of my soul.
Wearing my heart on my sleeve fully exposed to the elements.
Putting it out there to be loved or destroyed.
Held together with strings and tape in danger of falling to pieces in my hands.
I gave it with no reservations what so ever.
The first kiss so pure and magical. Rain coming down in torrents all around.
Brushing your soaked hair from your face I lean in.
My lips touching yours, electrified my soul.
Your taste was an essence of purity, divinity.
It was then that the seed of love took root deep inside me and started to blossom singing a sweet melody.
For all I was for all I am or will ever be I gave it to you when I gave you my heart.
A chalice holding my love for you.

Seasons

Ages of man come and go, never longer then a heartbeat in the eyes of our creator.
Born upon this world helpless and dependent upon others.
After a season man grows into adulthood.
Our life decided upon before our birth.
Man walks the roads of sorrow and happiness always close at hand to his ultimate fate but never knowing for certain what it will be or even when it will be met..
Even when man reaches his ultimate fate rarely does he greet it with open arms and absolution, welcoming a lost love home again.
We fight that fate for reasons real and imagined.
What would we be if we for once surrendered to that fate?
As seasons come upon with a flurry and die out with a whimper so does man.

My son

Hear I sit holding you, my precious gift from God. So perfectly created and formed a vision of our Lord in the flesh.

Looking at you while you look up at me. Our eyes meet. your tiny hand searches out and finds my finger and grasps it. I can feel the pulse of life coming into me from you. So amazing to hold you in my arms after waiting so long to see you. Bending over I kiss your forehead and tell you how much I love you. Never have a I felt such a spell binding love.

Do you know me yet? For I know you, I've know you my entire life, when I walked in the shadows of life you were with me. You were there the night I said goodbye to my mom silently comforting me. The tattoo that encircles my wrist now has a duel meaning. I walked thru hell to find Rachel and she gave me the greatest gift she had to give. She gave me you my son.

So little you are and already so powerful. You've blown away those dark clouds that have clouded my sky for so very long. I can feel the sun shining upon me once again. You've given me that which was lost so long ago. You have resurrected my faith. Ill always remember the rainbow I saw the day before you were born. So beautiful and delicate for it truly was an omen of what you would bring into my life. Finally I can lay the cross I've carried for so long on the ground and stand straight and true.

Rose

Sitting in the dead of night.
His thoughts chasing each other thru a maze of confusion coming to one dead end after another.
Uncertain what happened clouded memories coming and going.
Thoughts of a past destroyed by the light of day.
A rain soaked kiss torn from his embrace.
Clutching empty air his arms lost fall to his sides.
A rose glimpsed struggling thru the matted undergrowth to reach the light, beat down and crushed slowly turning black.
A thorn pricks his finger as he moves the undergrowth.
A single drop of blood hangs on his fingertip glistening dark red.
A silent cry escapes his heart.
The drop of crimson falling thru the air landing on the blackened rose petal.
His grief shown in sharpened relief.
The rose painted red with his blood. transforms into a lilly.
Blood spilling on the ground he plants his sorrows deep into the flesh of the earth.
Forever marked where he has spilt the blood of his heart there shall be where the lilies grow.
The lilies shall embrace where the rose once stood.
A fallen love, once so strong and pure resurrected in the cold beauty of sadness.

Asleep

Laying on my chest.
My heartbeat in your ear.
I hear your breath, I feel the rise and fall of your tiny chest.
I look at you laying there so tiny yet such a powerful force in my life already.
Like a hurricane blowing into a cove.
Absolute destruction of the life I knew, a glorious rebirth.
Every movement you make I feel.
Every sound you make I hear.
Always on my mind.
When I go to sleep at night I can still feel you on my chest.

Through the looking glass

Through the looking glass he stares, he see's her.
Pictures overlapping one another, fading in and out, mist twirling about obscuring his view.
Images of a happier time blur in and out of his vision.
The kiss in the rain, the embrace by the lake.
He sees the love that used to be in her eyes when she would look at him.
He see's her in a dress of white walking down the isle towards him, he sees the ring upon her finger.
He see's all the potential the future once held.
He tries desperately to grab ahold of the images only to see them swirl between his fingers like smoke.
Now all he see's is the disinterest when she looks thru him.
His heart aches as each image comes into the light.
As they fade out a piece of his soul goes with them.
He see's the promises made and the promises broken.
Thru the looking glass he stares..
one final image to see, an image of himself letting the love he felt for her go.

Captured

Love is an amazing thing when it comes into your life.
It blows away all the clouds in your life, gives you your hope back and breaks down the walls that have surrounded your heart.
Love releases the chains that bind your soul to the earth.
Released to fly free.
When love leaves you plummet to the earth like Icarus flying too close to the sun.
Lost love burning your wings taking your ability to fly.
Once again you find yourself shackled to the earth.
Always looking toward the skies.
The memories of that love burned deep into your soul.
Like the tiger captured in the wild slowly the fire of life leaves its eyes and its replaced with the dullness of captivity the memories still there but the will burned away.

My purpose

So many things go thru my mind when I look at you.
So tiny starring up at me with your big eyes.
Your hand clutching my finger.
Looking at you I see a future so bright for you, the whole world at your fingertips waiting for you.
You look around with such an innocence and awe.
When I'm with you I can't stop smiling.
I feel so much love for you I can't even put it into words.
For so long I've looked for a purpose, a reason in my life and I've found it.
You are my purpose to this life.
To be your father, too love you and protect you.
I will do anything for you.
Before you were born I was scared to death.
Scared that I couldn't be the father you deserved.
When I hold you I know that this is what I was meant to do.

Cold Presence

A wall of stone.
A thousand bricks stacked end to end.
From the rick black soil clear up to the moon.
Parting the heavens above.
Thicker then the blue depths of the ocean.
A corner of secretness where no sunlight can gather.
It beats silently, searching in the darkness.
The solitude is one in its own. The wall is its savior, its trusted friend.
Its presence reassuring in its cold feel.
The way is its trusting feel, undefining in its nature, unrelenting in its comfort.
The door is sealed.
Only itself and the wall to trust.

Sorrow of dreams

A thought left unspoken, a dream left unimagined.
The star burning, its light across the heavens.
The heart twisted in the ways of the old.
The dream that once burned brighter then the countless stars in the cold sky.
Passions of the dream drowned in the river of sorrow.
Its cries echo upon the banks. Its pain felt in the chill of the wind.
The dream walks forever in the fog of its past.

Abyss

A soul alone in the cold, floating in a blackness, devoid of all things.
The darkness so deep without substance permeating everything with its touch.
Putting a jaded twist to all things in site.
The soul grows harder as it sinks into the abyss.

Frustrated

So frustrated, traveling a road of dust, sweat and tears.
The dust tastes gritty in my mouth.
The land I travel is lonely and deserted.
Each day I wake I feel a pain deep inside my soul.
I bear my pain behind a smile and a locked door.

Hallways

The hall is dark and dimly lit. Walking down it all you here is the echo of your own footsteps, the smell is that mold and dust, never visited.
Looking around the deserted hall you see no sign of any living thing.
Just silence and cold. At the end of the hall is a very large black oak door.
Walking up to the door it becomes clear how massive it is.
Fists striking the door shows its solidness.
Putting your head to the door, holding your breath you can hear a soft beating that doesn't falter.
Running across the door are iron plates. Down the middle of it is the split that is the opening.

Elemental Desires

There are 4 elements that make up man. Fire,water,earth and air. Each of us born into the world is made up of these elements.
As we traverse our own courses thru life we face these elements. It is up to us as for the choices we make.
Will the fire inside us drive us to be the best person we can be or it will it burn us up, will the fire ignite our passions or temper our souls to the beauty around us.
Will the water cleanse the sadness from our souls or drown us in the emotions of life, will the water nourish our bodies or will the water erode our friendships and loves.
Will the earth be the firmant we stand strong on or will it be a mountain in front us we cannot possibly ascend? Will the earth embrace us in our eternal sleep or will the earth crumble with us as life so often crumbles?
Will the air infuse us with the scents of our journey or will the air blow away the structures of our life?
Just as we are one with god, we are one with the elements.

Song

An intangible melody, made of twisted lyrics, rhythms out of sync.
Emotions uncontrolled.
The chorus undefined.
The narrative of the song flat lined no beat of the heart detected. A moment of panic, running scared thru a wilderness, spinning my head right around.
Looking over my shoulder. Got me throwing my emotions around.
Locked in an epic struggle with my heart and soul. One look, one word crumbling my foundation all around me. The words of defeat echoing in my ears.
Standing tall I brace myself for the fall

Mom

Holding my son, i look into his eyes and i see you. You were such a shaping force in my life. Everything you went thru in the last years of your life would have broken anyone else. Yet you still raised me straight and true. No matter how difficult your life was, you were still there for me every step of the way. You guided me down the right path of life. You taught me how to have compassion and love for everyone no matter what. You shaped my life and helped make me into the man i am today.

There isnt a day that has gone by that i havent thought about you. I live my life in your memory. I would give anything for Xander to have met you. I know you would have fallen in love with him in an instant. I believe that you met him and held him in heaven before god sent him to me, you met him the night you passed away. He was the first soul your eyes found when you woke up in eternity.

Your grandson, all you were passed down to him thru me. Xander will grow up knowing the love you had. Thru me i will teach him what you taught me and he will be a better person for it. I know you will always be with him keeping him safe just as you have kept me safe. God couldnt grant a better angel to a little boy then you mom. I miss you and will always remember your soft touch and sweet smile.

Tower

The breeze is light, a faint scent of lilocs and jasmine in the air. The moon clear and full in the midnight sky. The light throwing the shadows in relief across the littered landscape.

A tower standing in the middle of the landscape partially destroyed, large chunks of granite strewn about the land like childrens building blocks.

Walking amongst this graveyard of expectations, one see's the power and strength this mighty tower once held, now reduced to rubble in once was a field of dreams. I walk to the base of the tower and place my hands on it. The vibrations of life race thru me, like the roar of the surf breaking against the rocks it drops me too my knees.

I hear a voice, faint, off in the distance, growing closer, it beckons to me in a seductive tone.

"This once was all yours, rebuild me as I was. Make me whole again."

The dawning of an epifany. This once majestic tower was and is me. The broken disguarded pieces of stone in the field were my ideals and my beliefs. All I was and all I could not see. Cast to the four corners with an ease that belaid their weight.

Awakening from what surely was a dream, the moonlight thus replaced with sunlight. The light shining brightly across the landscape, what I took for a graveyard in the darkest of nights is anything but.

Surveying the rubble I see opportunity now, the stone of the tower once darkened with soot and anger, now beholds a different color. The color of hope and possibilty.

Two choices now, two roads put before me. I can rebuild my tower. I can reshape the stone blocks, shape them with love, understanding and clarity of heart. The foundations of my tower are still strong, and unchanged. Yearning to be built upon. A new creation upon the old.

The other road leads to a darkend landscape away from my tower. Looking upon the horizon of that road I see thunderheads and lightning dancing a macarbe waltz across the sky. To journey down this road is to surely give up. Sourrender to the sorrow of a life less imagined.

For I know what choice I will make. I will become the stone mason laboring thru the days rebuilding my shattered tower. My blood, sweat and tears shall make it whole again.

Surface

In our imaginations, we make ourselves to be the person we think we should be.
Our love, our believes, our morals.
Who are we really?
Do we know the truths that lie beneath the surface?
Do we dare venture into the depths of our sanity?
Do we hear the siren song of our souls whispering in our ears in the dark of night?
To follow the song, the enchantment of our innermost being.
Will we learn anything beneath the surface our sanity?
Will we find peace, a peace to qualm the restlessness of our soul?
Will we encounter riches untold that were always just beneath the surface?
These questions, these answers we will never know unless we surrender to that siren song in the night,
to have the faith to leap, the courage to question, and the strenght to believe.

My life

Pouring concrete this evening I took a break and happened to look over at my neighbors. He was outside teaching his little boy how to play catch with a football. I stood there quietly watching as he tossed it to his little boy. I started thinking about what it will be like in a few years teaching Xander how to catch a football and everything that will follow that. I started reflecting at how much these last three months have changed me and my views about everything.

Going back to the night he was born, I've never felt such abject terror and overwhelming joy at the same time. Ive been searching for the words to express the feelings of that night. Watching as my son came into this world was incredible, not a day that goes by that I don't reflect upon that moment. The sheer scope of my life changed in a instant. Everything that had mattered ceased. After months of worry here was this perfect little boy, part of my soul in the flesh.

I was so scared that I couldn't be the father that this little boy deserved. Before Xander I was just a some guy, a broken person at best with nothing to keep me centered or grounded, always looking and searching for only God knew what. Never scared of doing something stupid that could get me killed. Jumping out of planes, off cliffs, trying to break up a bar room brawl. I didn't care I did it all. If I died in the process who cares right? It was just me, sure I'd be missed but that's all. No biggie. Everyone has to die sometime. I had seen death, tasted death, gotten to know death. It didn't bother me.

When Xander was born it tempered some place deep inside me. He took all the broken pieces of me that I had stopped caring about an discarded and started putting them back together again. Xander brought to life a protective part of me that I wasn't aware that existed. There is no lengths I wouldn't go to protect my son. I would gladly give my life for his.

For the first time in my 34 years of life I have a purpose a destiny a light at the end of the tunnel.

Masks

Getting up in the morning we choose the masks we will wear for the day.
The masks we choose define us to the world at large.
Each mask is designed for the specific occasion at hand. Be it a happy mask, a sad mask or just a mask of indifference.
Rarely do we see the true person that resides behind the mask.
For if we did see them how would that change our view of them?
Why do we choose to wear a mask?
Are we scared of showing who we really are or are we confused as to who we are?
Or is the answer that we wear these masks of different colors because we want to fit in and this is the only way we know how to do it??

3 days grace

Driving home through the darkness, my lights illuminating the endless asphalt in front of me. I turn the radio off and open the flood gates. My emotions spill out upon me. My memories drifting in the currents of my soul.

I relive your arrival in this world and in my life. I was so scared not knowing what to do, not knowing if I would be a good father? All I knew was I would do the best I could for you. I live my life partly with you and partly without you. Living for the days I get too spend with you.

When I'm not with you, your always on my mind. looking into the rear view mirror only to see an empty seat where your car seat is when your with me.
The best times in my life are when I have you in my arms. Your smile and your laugh brings me so much happiness.

The saddest times for me is when I drop you off. I take a deep breath and bring you inside, kneeling down in front of you and I kiss you goodbye, telling you I love you and I'll see you again soon. I walk out and get in my truck wiping away my tears and trying to be tough.

I wish that things were different, I wish I could be with you all the time. But things just weren't meant to be that way.

Your too young to understand what it means when I tell you that I love you, I just pray that when I hold you in my arms that you can feel the love I have for you. Its only then that I find the grace in my life.

Deconstruction

I stand naked in front of a mirror. My body fully exposed. The imperfections shine in the light. I turn away from the sight. For it is not the imperfections with in the mirror I seek out. It those unseen to the eye I search for. I must peel the naked flesh from my body, one layer at a time. Deconstructing my body down to its basic components. The layers of flesh I peel away are tossed unceremoniously to the floor. With no regard or care they are broken of no longer use to me.

I pile the pieces of my broken body up. A lump of clay on a potters wheel awaiting to be reshaped. A form less block of granite awaiting the chisel of a master craftsman to bring life to it. I am tired...but I must continue.

The chisel strikes, the sweat flows upon my brow. It is difficult work. For my work is delicate and precise, each line must be broken straight. A pattern emerging from the dust and chips. The days and months pass, The imperfections erased molded to a new shape. It speaks to me, yearning to be free of the prison that cages it.

A form quietly emerges for the remnants of the old, no longer broken down. Soon, very soon my reconstruction will be complete.

Drift Wood

Life is a vast collection of memories. Some of them good and some of them bad. All of them floating together in the river of our life's. They bump against each other in this vast undefined current heading to a destination unknown.

Some of them occasionally get hung up and caught on branches, stuck there bobbing in the current. Forever to be revisited. The only thing current in this river of life are the memories, everything else is a constantly changing geography.

The people we are and the people we will become are determined by these memories, these pieces of driftwood swirling in the current.

We can take these pieces of driftwood and shape them into something beautiful beyond reproach or we can lose everything we are, everything we were and everything we could be.

Our potential lies in these pieces of driftwood, what becomes of them and us is our decision.

The Waltz

The chill of the early spring, celestial bodies brightly shining in the heaven above.

Old memories holding tightly, bound to us in a never-ending dance of happiness and sadness. An inexplicable waltz drunkenly dancing through the hollows of our heart.

For once winters chill is bound again, the drunken waltz shall be no more, for with the sunlight comes the ending of our song

Then shall the shudders be thrown open wide again. The warmth radiating throughout our hallows. We shall gather at the windows once again rejoicing,

We stand at the open windows thrusting in our soul that our new dance partner will surely be on their way.

When we meet up we shall dance the days and nights away. The reemergence of life, of the hope and dreams of a fortnight past.